Guilt

January 15th, 2006General2 comments

Today I donated a ton of used clothes to Goodwill. But I felt guilty dropping them off in trash bags, so I taped together a giant box to put them into.

Of course, I arrived at Goodwill to find that everyone else had left their used clothes behind in trash bags.

Guilt pervades my soul. It has metastasized throughout my body.

The stoner friend of a stoner neighbor had parked his car in such a way that it was blocking mine in the lot. I knocked on their door and he came out to move it.

“Do you have any Zig-Zags?” he asked. “No,” I said. (I can’t make this stuff up.)

“How long are you gonna be gone?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

He looked back at me dazed, the sour, nutty smell of sweet, sweet herb peeling off of him. “Can I park in your space while you’re gone? I’ll move once you get back.”

“There’s usually plenty of street parking on Sundays,” I stammered -

“I’m sorry,” he said with that stoned, pleading sort of sincerity, “I’m sorry, dude. I’m sorry. It’s cool.”

And he moved his car and I drove off thinking, “Maybe I should’ve let him park in my space. What could it have hurt?”

I felt guilty for not letting a stoner use my parking space.

Someone once told me that when you dream, all the other people you encounter in your dreams are really representations of yourself.

Now this is interesting, because dreams are the only place where I’m really mean to other people.

That’s where I really let go and hit other people over the heads with bottles, push them off of cliffs, take their food, etc..

I beat myself up a lot. And I think that guilt has a lot more to do with ourselves than with other people. When I feel guilty, I feel bad that I’m being misperceived.

So this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to think before I act, but I’m going to trust my initial judgement and not think about it for too long after I act.

I’m going to trust that I did the right thing the first time and not feel guilty about it.

But I’m never, ever letting a droopy-eyed stoner park in my parking space.