My Children Will Be My Slaves

April 27th, 2006General2 comments

I have decided that when I reproduce (perhaps through binary fission) I will have exactly six children. I have already determined their future occupations:

• One will be a lawyer in order to provide free legal advice to me at all times.
  
• One will be a doctor in order to provide free health care. The only time I will see another doctor is for prostate exams because otherwise that would be way too weird.
  
• One will be an accountant so that I can just throw a snowstorm of receipts at him or her in April and then go watch Matlock.
  
• One will be an auto mechanic and engineer, responsible for repairing and maintaining all the mechanical devices I own.
  
• Since I started watching Top Chef, I have decided that one will be a chef. He or she will be responsible for preparing wild bacchanalian feasts every day of the week.
  
• The last child will be a total layabout slacker that does nothing else except smoke weed and sponge off of me and his other five siblings. Every family has to have one, so we might as well designate his role at birth.

We don’t need someone to fix computers because I can already do that. The day I can’t fix a computer will be the day that satan’s pointy goatee freezes solid.

My children will be like a superhero team. As a family, we will save hundreds of thousands of dollars in professional fees.

I am a genius.

My film viewing schedule for next week, if anyone’s interested in catching a movie with me:

• Shoot the Messenger, Apr 30 9:30pm (AMC/Loews Lincoln Square 1)
  
• Colour Me Kubrick, May 01 6:00pm (Tribeca Performing Arts 1)
  
• Love for Share, May 03 7:30pm (AMC/Loews Lincoln Square 6)
  
• Just Like the Son, May 04 5:15pm (AMC/Loews 34th Street 13)
  
• Just So You Know, May 05 4:00pm (AMC/Loews Village VII 1)
  

I might have to miss “Just So You Know” because I have a reception at 6pm and I might have to be there early. But I really want to see that since it’s the short film series about “coming of age”. And my voice just started changing, so I want to see what’s in store for my pubic region.

Grab your friends and meet me at the movies! I may even have some spare vouchers!

Says here that the new Nintendo console will be called the “Wii”, pronounced “wee”.

I’m not sure this is such a good idea.