Raucous

January 3rd, 2008Blog0 comments

Regarding the Iowa Caucuses: Overheard on the NBC Nightly News: “…Campaigns are relying on precinct captains like Monica Green, a lifelong Republican who twice voted for George Bush, now canvassing for Obama.“

My hat flew off my head, spun 360 degrees, and landed.

I have a pretty solid understanding of what’s going on in this nation politically, but the Iowa primaries completely confuse me. My perception of them is similar to a six year-old’s perception of procreation. From what I understand, today everyone in Iowa will hug each other. Then somehow this will produce a winner in each party, who will hatch from eggs.

Caucuses? What happens? People gather in diners and peoples’ living rooms and debate and then somehow… Do what?! I don’t know. It’s all so magical.

You know Rule #34 of the Internet? I wonder if Caucuses make some people hot.

American Gladiators is back this weekend. I don’t believe it either, but there it is. One of the female gladiators is named Hellga. Yes, with two Ls.

I’m on the fence about this one. Part of me doesn’t like it, part of me is giddy about seeing dudes with no necks hitting each other with giant Q-tips.

I can’t believe Battle of the Network Stars hasn’t been exhumed and reanimated. Also, Celebrity Deathmatch. Couldn’t you legally do a live action Celebrity Deathmatch in Nevada? I’m sure Flavor Flav would be down. That guy’ll do anything.

My Backyard

January 2nd, 2008Blog0 comments

A friend of mine recently noted that I’m a weird individual for watching and railing on Housewives of Orange County. Why do it if I’m going to crap on it?

I think you’ve gotta know what the suck is in order to make fun of it. It’s like politics — if you have no idea what’s going on, you have no right to complain about it. Being aware of the suck makes seeing the good that much sweeter.

Also, I’m on the side of the producers of Housewives and against the people that are actually on the show. The producers treat it almost like smart satire. They’re providing a public service: Informing us of what’s shit about American culture. The people on it are putting themselves in the pillory and throwing pies at their each others’ faces. They’d be doing stupid stuff even if they weren’t on camera.

It’s just like To Catch a Predator on Dateline. These guys would be out molesting children anyway — thanks to the show, we know who they are.

What’s great about American culture: The Wire. Sopranos. Eating In-N-Out Burgers after you’ve just shown Larry what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass. Goodfellas, which I saw again recently and nearly brought a tear to my eye.

I’m all about juxtaposition. Reading Vonnegut on Dresden, about doom and calamity and being unstuck in time. And then watching bikini chicks sling OC Energy Drinks.

Life is too short just to live in one small corner of the world watching nothing but Star Trek. I’ve gotta have both the excellent and the shit, see the entire spectrum. I want to see it all.

Gold Lion

January 1st, 2008Blog1 comment

Welcome to 2008! This year’s been pretty good so far. I like the food here, and it smells nicer than 2007 did.

Watching an episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County has lowered my opinion of my friends from Orange County. In fact, I don’t think I really consider them friends anymore. They’ve been demoted to acquaintances.

There’s an old Chinese proverb (all old proverbs, at their root, end up coming from China) that says that a family’s wealth only lasts three generations. This show is all about that. Apparently a father recently died on the show and left no will or life insurance; everything he has went to his mail order bride. His daughters are now bikini models / hander-outers of energy drinks. Like Top Gear, this show makes me yell at my television. “Why aren’t they in school?!”

I like how the producers of the show edit it in such a way that it rips on its botoxed, horse faced, siliconized subjects. They’ll wonder why they’re pudgy/unhealthy in interviews and the show will immediately cut to their fitness guru finding marshmallows in their pantries. I mean this in both a literal and figurative sense.

Bad TV is fun to watch because it confirms what I already know. People lie to themselves and each other. They step on each others’ toes, and often forget that two conflicting ideas can both be simultaneously plausible.

Also all the Housewives have boob jobs and wear boob shirts. Though I’m pretty sure that w/o makeup and hair, underneath they are all Skeletors with chests like a couple of water balloons stapled to a board. Isn’t “Reality TV” an oxymoron by now?