Save Your Canned Goods for the 2nd American Civil War
Happy New Year, America! Did you know that you will be over by 2010?
The Wall Street Journal says that a respected Russian Professor predicts that it’s coming.
The new map:
There are some fundamental flaws with this guy’s theory that illustrate a basic misunderstanding of American culture. First, Utah in a California Republic? That would be like Kenneth from 30 Rock donning buttless chaps and moving into a gay bar. Also “The Texas Republic” under the control/influence of Mexico? Yes, millions of Limbaugh dittoheads with gun racks in their F-150s will willingly go along with that.
Finally, “Alaska returns to Russia”. This event occurs in the same fantasy realm as a reboot of Red Dawn where Sarah Palin leads a new generation of Wolverines into battle while riding a fucking moose.
There’s theoretical fantasy land and then there’s the reality on the ground. I wouldn’t try to sell orange cheese in Russia because I know better. This guy needs to come down to the ranch in Crawford and see what the local thoughts are about becoming a part of Mexico. And also, Hawaii is already a part of Japan, dumbass!
Yes, But What Does Obama Think of Spam?
I’m not talking about unsolicited emails. I’m talking about the real deal, the king of all canned meats, Spam. Barack Obama, being a native Hawaiian, must have grown up with Spam in all its incarnations. So is Obama a Spam man or what?
Answer: YES.
During his most recent holiday visit, Obama reportedly bought two spam musubis while enjoying a day of golf at the Olomana Golf Links. A sure sign that Obama is a true local, Spam musubi is a popular Hawaii snack consisting of a Japanese onigiri, or rice ball, with a slice of cooked spam on it and wrapped with nori, or dried seaweed. (Source)
“Collectors’ Edition” Hawaii Spam
I’m just going to put this out there: Toni Morrison said that Bill Clinton was America’s first black President; is Obama America’s first Asian American President?
Crowds
We had wanted to go to the new California Academy of Sciences but the crowds were too thick; if you look carefully at the zoomed-in photo above you’ll see the ticket line snaking away from the left side of the building and down the street.
We went to the De Young Museum instead. It’s spectacular inside — the photo above of the Academy of Sciences was taken from the De Young’s observation tower.
There was a pretty magnificent Maya Lin exhibition going on inside. The lady really likes her landmasses and positive/negative space.
On Christmas Day we went to get Dim Sum in San Francisco’s Chinatown (a family tradition). There is nothing more comforting than a restaurant packed to the gills with yammering Chinese people — you know the food is good and you’re all set. Likewise, there is nothing more depressing than a restaurant in Chinatown that is totally deserted at lunch time — in a packed restaurant you feel the crowd’s presence, and in an empty restaurant you definitely feel their absence.
Notes on Chicago in Winter (Part Three)
No Pain, No Gain: One thing that blew me away was that, despite the close to freezing temperatures, there were still people out there running.
They were wearing light thermals and hats. This despite the fact that the rain had frozen on the sidewalks, creating a layer of ice hidden by the newly fallen snow.
They are hardcore. I don’t know whether I am inspired by them or disturbed by them. Probably both, like how I feel towards championship eaters and people who build replicas of Mos Eisley out of Lego.
My current favorite spot to work: Borders on Michigan Avenue. It overlooks the Water Tower, and there’s always a free table.
A pigeon had somehow found its way into the store and was hanging out in the cafe section. He looked very happy to be warm — as happy as a pigeon could look. It’s hard to smile without teeth.
It was nice to have a December with snow in it. Snow is great when you get to enjoy it and then leave. Four months of it is probably a lot less enjoyable.
I was able to get a flight back out to California between storms — in fact the weather did me a favor and delayed my original connecting flight, so I had to be switched over to a direct flight.
I really like Chicago. If it weren’t for obligations here in LA I could see myself living there. I’d eat Italian Beefs every day (I don’t know if “Beefs” is the correct plural, but “Beefs” sounds like such a great word that I’m using it anyway), I’d become a Cubs fan, and I’d run even when it’s snowing.
But LA has its charms too. And our hot dogs come wrapped in bacon, which is a technological advantage over all other hot dogs, everywhere.
Review for Cowboy Vs. Samurai Hong Kong
From the South China Morning Post:
Golamco’s script is sharp, thoughtful and witty and the cast did a superb job in getting the comic sense across.
It’s kinda neat that the play works for an international audience in an extremely international city.
It’s also pretty cool to be able to touch people an ocean and a continent away.
Thanks Hong Kong!
Notes on Chicago in Winter (Part Two)
I was in Chicago workshopping a play. What this means is that every morning I’d get up early and spend the day doing rewrites. Then go into the theater to work with the cast, director, dramaturg and run scenes. Then afterwards I’d go back, do more rewrites until late at night, and then go to sleep. Then repeat the next day and the next for about a week.
I really like doing rewrites — that’s when I’ve got my technician hat on, which is my second favorite hat to wear. It’s the part of the process where I learn the most, and learning is incredibly important in this line of work.
They put me in a four bedroom apartment in Lincoln Park. I had the whole place to myself. It was huge yet cozy.
It’s important that I have a view while I work. I like to be able to see the world going about its business outside while I work inside. It reminds me of what this whole business is all about.
For me, the rewriting process goes like this: 1. Identify the problem. 2. “Write into it”, scribbling notes, posing questions to myself and answering them on paper in my notebook. 3. Stare out the window. 4. Get an idea, work it out on paper. 5. Do the rewrites.
There can be no rewrites without a window to stare out of.
Notes on Chicago in Winter (Part One)
I like Millennium Park better when it’s cold. The Bean (pictured above) looks nicer when it’s a frosty bean.
Here’s another picture of it from a distance:
It looks like a Titan Egg nestled in the woods.
So it’s nine degrees one day — winter snow’s coming down in heaps. The next day it’s 35 degrees, and everything starts melting. I had forgotten that snow doesn’t just disappear — it has to go somewhere. So now there are these big pools of frozen, grimy water in the streets. Perfect for stepping in and catching pneumonia.
Again, winter boots are the best thing ever. It reminded me of how the importance of good shoes is stressed in Cormac McCarthy’s The Road.
One night I had my first Italian Beef, and I liked it so much that I had another one the next day.
The first one was a fairly clean and dry example constructed in Lincoln Park. The roll was good and crispy and it was covered with melted cheese.
The second one was an ol’ dirty classic example of street food that was slapped together in a hot dog place downtown:
Its interior is covered with pictures of dogs. This is the sort of hot dog place from my dreams. There is something really great about street food — dirty water hot dogs, catering trucks, those nut carts in NYC. You get the feeling that it’s the real deal, and the real deal is always a good feeling.
My Work in Print
Year Zero
Available from Samuel French and Amazon.com
Cowboy Versus Samurai
Available from Samuel French and Amazon.comFor a complete list of books containing my work, please click here.
