Please Be Careful, My Dog Is Very Racist

February 24th, 2009Blog, Fiction1 comment

I was walking home when I happened upon an elderly lady and her small, graying dog. Being a dog person, I knelt down and offered my hand.

“Please be careful,” the lady said, “My dog is very racist.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

She motioned to me to come closer. “He really hates the smell of certain kinds of… People,” she stage whispered, “And if he gets a whiff of you, he might bite you.”

The dog sniffed my hand and licked it. “He seems friendly enough,” I said.

“No,” she said, “He’s a terror. He really hates chinks.”

I blinked, baffled. I thought I had misunderstood her. “I’m sorry,” I said, “I think I misunderstood you. Did you just say -”

“Chinks,” she said cheerfully, “He really hates chinks.” The dog wagged his tail as he nuzzled my hand with his nose. “He really hates the fact that you lot are all terrible drivers. He can never understand what you’re saying. Also he thinks that the line is always way too long at Panda Express.”

“Now wait just a minute – “

“And he hates the fact that you control all of the banks.”

“That’s the Jews,” I said.

“Whatever,” she said, “He doesn’t like it one bit. I wish I could get him to be more tolerant, but he’s pretty set in his ways.” She rubbed the scruff of his neck. “Aren’t you, you old scamp?” she cooed.

The dog put his paw on my shin, rested his head upon my knee. He looked up at me, begging to be petted.

“I’m… Gonna go now,” I said. I stood up and began to walk away.

She gave me a friendly wave goodbye. “Bye bye, you goddamned chink!” she called out.