This Is Why I Tried to Rip Your Face Off

March 8th, 2009Blog, Fiction0 comments

1. You made me do a commercial with Carrot Top.

2. When I was shooting that episode of Monk you ran out of Reese’s Pieces between takes. Then you tried to slip me M&Ms and you told the P.A. that I couldn’t tell the difference. Well guess what? I could.

3. ALSO, you gave me my Diet Pepsi in a styrofoam cup instead of my Spider-Man sippy cup. It’s like I’m below the line or something.

4. The cable was broken in my trailer and you forgot my Finding Nemo DVD at home.

5. You won’t let me drive my golf cart, even though we bought it with MY MONEY that I EARNED, and it says my name on the side.

6. My pilot didn’t get picked up.

7. You keep buying me these totally cheap diapers at CostCo when I only wear Depends Maximum Protection. DEPENDS MAXIMUM PROTECTION. To justify this you keep saying “We’re in a recession, we’re in a recession,” but I don’t even know what that fucking means. What am I, a scientist?

8. Firefly isn’t on anymore.

9. You keep arranging play dates with Bubbles, Michael Jackson’s old chimp, and he keeps trying to touch my peener.

10. You keep saying “It’s like a zoo in here”, and that totally hurts my feelings.