Love Is Like Beating Halo 3 On Legendary

March 16th, 2009Blog2 comments

Hey there, gentle reader. A good friend of mine has a wedding coming up, and she asked me to say a few things about love. I have one minute to speak, which should be just enough time to cover everything I know about love.

I have been in love exactly one and a half times. One of those times was with myself. But it was a bad breakup, so it’s really awkward to see myself at social functions and in the mirror. But we’re still trying to remain friends.

I have decided to be as literal as possible with this request, and my plan is to come up with a few analogies as to what love is like. This also makes it easier to remember what I’m supposed to say, since I will probably be drunk. Here are some that I thought of just now:

- Love is like eating brownies that were baked by Sarah Palin. Sometimes you feel really conflicted about it and you don’t want to eat them, but they taste so good. Sarah Palin bakes really fuckin’ good brownies. Love is really complicated like that.

- Love is like an angry 200 pound chimpanzee that hates everybody but you, and he lets you ride on his back while he rollerskates around and smokes a cigar. Love makes you feel really special.

- Love is knowing that there will always be somebody there to hi-five you and buy you a Diet Coke and give you gum from her purse and make out with you. Love is comforting.

- Love is like having your wallet stolen by talking hamsters. It hurts, but the fact that it happened is so fucking amazing that it doesn’t really matter.

Those are some of the things I just thought of in the last thirty seconds. Give me a month or so and I should have at least two more. This wedding speech is going to be awesome.