This Texan Lawmaker Wants Me To Change My Name For Her Convenience, So I Will Oblige Her

April 16th, 2009Blog2 comments

This white-haired Texan ghoul is right. This is America dammit, and none of us (myself included) can be bothered to take the time to ask how to properly pronounce someone’s name. We’re too busy eating for that kind of horse puckey!

I know that “Golamco” is very hard for Western vocal chords to pronounce, what with its strange mix of vowels and consonants. The original spelling of our name had 17 letters (including two umlauts), but an Ellis Island clerk simplified it for us back in the 1890s.

So I’m on a mission to choose a kickass new American name for myself. Apparently “Michael Ironsides” is already taken, which is disappointing to me. I like “Mike Death” (“Michael Death” sounds a little too poncy). Also, “Michael Murder-Kill-Vicious” sounds appropriately awesome. It fits my personality.

Something that is imminently pronounceable would be good too. Like “Michael Ugg” — my last name would literally be a guttural noise that would be easy for any American to make. Or instead of having to pronounce something, maybe my last name could consist of a sound effect. Like smacking a table, clapping, or farting.

I have found that “Michael” is also rather hard to pronounce, and various people keep misspelling it as “Micheal” and “Asshole”, so maybe I should redo my entire name all at once. “Johnny Muscles” sounds good and appropriate. So does “Herb Firecrotch”.

You know you live in a great country when decaying, undead beings can still hold public office in Texas and offer up their savvy opinions. U-S-A! U-S-A!