I got myself a very cool pair of Ray-Bans that I had to take back to Sunglass Hut because of a manufacturer’s defect.

“Whenever I put these on it makes people look like Reptoids,” I told the saleslady in my best Indignant Customer voice.

“Are you sure?” she asked with an upturned eyebrow.

“Absolutely,” I said, “And it’s like, totally uneven too. Sometimes I’ll put them on and some people will look normal and other people look totally like Reptoids — big-time.” I folded my arms huffily, hoping to get a free carrying case out of this.

“I see,” she said, frowning.

“And it makes the people on TV totally look like Reptoids too,” I added, “Chris Matthews: Reptoid. Anderson Cooper? Reptoid 360. Fox News: Iguana city -”

“You watch TV with sunglasses on?”

“It’s my way,” I said, irritated. I can’t help it — whenever people ask me that it irritates me.

“Go on,” she said, staring through me.

“Other people too: Sandra Oh, normal. Sandra Bernhard, normal too. But Sandra Bullock -”

“Reptoid – ”

“Fuckin’ Lizard Queen,” I said. “I was watching The Lake House again and I don’t remember there being a gerbil eating scene in there, but there it was. Even now when I put them on -” — I put the sunglasses on, glanced at her — “You look totally like a – ”

“Let me see those -” She quickly snatched away the sunglasses, carefully inspected them. “Signs? Billboards? Those all look normal through these?”

“Yeah,” I said, “The usual perfume and jean ads. CONSUME. PROCREATE -”

“Yeah, these are defective,” she said. “Sorry about that. I’ll get you some new ones from the back.”

As she turned to go she rumbled out something low, guttural — “OBEY – “

“What was that?” I asked.

“Have a nice… Day,” she said.

“Oh yeah, thanks,” I said.

She was really nice.