Why I Am Attacking People

June 14th, 2009Blog, Fiction1 comment

Hello, I am the bird that hangs out on Sacramento Street (above Schroeder’s Restaurant). The one that’s been flying down and attacking people.

CNN just did a piece on me without giving my side of the story. So here it is:

Person #1: I did not attack this person because he is black. I love black people. I myself am black. But his purple shirt annoyed the living shit out of me, so I flew down and tried to rip it off his body with my mighty claws. The thing is, I am a small bird. I couldn’t really get a hold of it. But now everybody thinks I’m racist. Thanks, CNN.

Person #2: I attacked this lady because it was fun. She started screaming and running like she was being chased by a motherfuckin’ T-Rex. But surprise, I’m just a tiny bird. Boy, she sure felt dumb.

Person #3 was talking very loudly on her cell phone about spending the whole day at the spa. Fuck you lady — now you’re getting attacked by a bird while a crowd of onlookers laughs at you. How relaxed are you now?

Person #4: This guy was looking all serious and shit so I thought I’d land on his head and cheer him up. It worked.

Person #5: There was this thing in this guy’s hair and I was trying to get it out for him. It was a piece of macaroni or something. Plus I didn’t like his jacket.

I was just fucking with Person #6 but then he FLIPPED ME OFF. So I gave him what’s what. Don’t fuck with me, buddy — I’m a bird.

Person #7 had so much gel in his hair that I thought I could break some of it off and use it to build a motherfuckin’ nest. Also he was wearing a badge around his neck. Like, really pal? Really? Who does that?

Person #8 kept running around a tree trying to hide from me. Listen lady: I’m a bird — I live in trees. USE YOUR HEAD.

Person #9: This guy looked like Wilford Brimley. I was like “DIABEETUS! DIABEETUS!” He must get that a lot because he laughed.

Person #10: I didn’t like this guy’s mustache. Also the camera man moved across the street and I wanted to give him the side angle of how I work.

Person #11: We used to go out. She left me for a seagull.

Person #12: This is my dad.