I Thought I Told You Guys to Keep Joe Biden Out Of Here

March 5th, 2009Blog, Fiction1 comment

Fiction.

It was a short, cordial meeting. In the first minute Dr. Sanjay Gupta said yes, and the rest of the thirty minutes were all about brass tacks: Where his office would be, what his obligations were. “You’re going to be a Surgeon General for the YouTube generation,” Rahm Emanuel said, “President Obama will be thrilled.”

“Well I can’t wait to get started,” Dr. Gupta said with a generous smile. They shook hands. The deal was done — a perfect fit for the administration, thought Rahm Emanuel: Sanjay Gupta was a young, TV-savvy neurosurgeon who would help sell the administration’s push to reform the nation’s health care. And he came with that camera-ready smile.

“I’ll have Tony call your people to hammer out the little details,” Emanuel said as he walked Gupta to his office door.

That was when Rahm Emanuel heard a barrel-chested cackle that had been haunting his nightmares since the Inauguration… Then that all too familiar voice telling a dick joke in the hallway.

Fuck, Rahm Emanuel thought, Biden is out there.

Speed was now the key. Rahm Emanuel whisked open his office door, hoping to scoot Gupta out of there before Biden saw them… And they almost made it, too.

“Hey Asshole!” chirped Biden, quickly approaching with an ear-to-ear smirk. God dammit, Emanuel muttered.

“Who’ve we got here?” Biden quipped, looking Gupta up and down.

Rahm Emanuel cleared his throat, put on his cordial face. “Mr. Vice President, allow me to introduce our first pick for Surgeon General, Dr. Gupta.” Gupta smiled. “It’s so good to finally meet you, Vice President Biden,” he said as he held out his hand.

“Well god damn, good to meet ya too, buddy!” grinned Biden as he shook it. There was a long, uncomfortable pause. Here it fucking comes, thought Rahm Emanuel.

Biden’s eyes twinkled. “I’ll take a Watermelon Slurpee!” he said.

Gupta looked confused. Emanuel buried his face in his palm. “Just joshin’ ya, Mowgli!” roared Biden, clapping Gupta on the back. Gupta looked annoyed, stunned. “Truth be told,” Biden said, “I’m more of a Big Gulp man myself.”

Emanuel grabbed Gupta by the arm. “Okay Dr. Gupta, I’ll walk you to your car.”

“No, wait -” Gupta said, facing Biden down. “I want to understand exactly what you meant by that, Mr. Biden.”

Biden put his arm around Gupta, gave his shoulder a frat-boy squeeze. “Relax. Relax! I’m just kidding around, Sanjay!”

“I’d prefer it if you addressed me as Dr. Gupta,” Dr. Gupta said, irked.

Biden capped his mouth in delight — “OH MY GOD, your name’s actually Sanjay?!” he giggled. “I was totally gonna call you Apu, but I guess I lucked out!” Biden clicked his tongue at Emanuel — “Didja hear that, Asshole? I’m a god damn psychic!” Emanuel stared back at him, horrified. Gupta just stared. Speechless.

Biden gave them both a shit-eating grin as he vigorously shook Gupta’s hand. “Well it’s good to have you on board. Good to have ya. So Doc, when do ya start?“

This Starving Sudanese Kid’s Twitters Make My Twitters Look Totally Trite

March 5th, 2009Blog0 comments

I don’t know why I keep following him — he’s, like, totally depressing.

Okay, Who Gave the Trix Rabbit the Ecstasy?

March 2nd, 2009Blog1 comment

I know someone here did, and it’s not funny. You know he’s bipolar and he’s not allowed to have that. Oh yes, he’s in his manic state right now, but once he realizes that Trix is for kids and that he’s just a silly rabbit, his depressive state will be ugly.

Someone get the rabbit his MAO inhibitors; this is gonna get rough.