God Has an Epic and Unruly Imagination
I just got back from a fun wedding where there were little kids running around doing goofy things. They had Kevin-from-the-movie-UP dolls, and were having lots of fun and being little kids.
In juxtaposition, here is an LA Times story (with video) about a a six year old kid with schizophrenia. This is easily one of the most interesting and sinister stories I’ve ever read.
She sees imaginary animals and names them after numbers. One is a cat named 400. She is loving and sweet one moment, then will suddenly start biting and kicking people. She has an IQ of 146. She needs 300 milligrams of Thorazine to manage her psychoses. She lives in an imaginary place called Calalini. “Calalini is on the border between this world and my other world,” she says.
This is a really creepy, heartbreaking, and weird existence. The parents and doctors are at wit’s end. It makes you wonder how people can live like this — the little girl and her parents, I mean — and illustrates the inner strength that human beings are capable of.
I have no real analysis of this story. I don’t know what to make of it, other than I think it should be shared with others. Hug your kids and tell them that you love them. And if you don’t have kids, be glad that your connection to reality is solid and stable.
Leave Michael Bay Alone!!!
Okay my peoples, you know that I’m a champion of quality entertainment. I deeply encourage the advancement of creative works that push their medium forward. I love seeing/reading/playing stuff that makes me think, and I see/read/play a lot of things.
That said, the Transformers 2/Michael Bay haters need to give it a rest.
Why: Transformers 2 is universally acknowledged to be a bad movie by the standards that judge Citizen Kane to be a good movie. I’m told by reviews that it lacks in plot, characterization, suspension of disbelief, intelligence, integrity, honesty, and storytelling capability.
However, I’m also told in these very same reviews that it succeeds in total escapism — in numbing the brain and stealing away the viewer’s attention span for more than two solid hours. Through confusion, loud explosions, ass shots and other optical and auditory illusions, it is apparently impossible to not be distracted by its presence. Like the popcorn that is consumed while watching it, Transformers 2 fools the viewer into thinking that he/she is “eating” while no actual nutrition is being absorbed by the mind or body.
The idea of a pure “entertainment product” is not a new thing — mindless entertainment has been around ever since the dawn of man. Greek and Roman theater has always had its bawdy, tits-and-ass parodies. The same goes for literature — for every Western classic there is pulp fiction. Even well-known classics like The Canterbury Tales descend into raunch every now and then.
Transformers 2 is a bad movie that made a lot of money. But will it be remembered by history? I don’t know — I’m not from the future. But does it really matter?
Another thing: People have been complaining that since Transformers made bank, equally horrible sequels are inevitable. Good. Because this means that people will work.
I live in LA. The writers strike devastated the local economy. An actors’ strike was narrowly averted. People have been going bankrupt or quitting the business. With the global economy in the state that it’s in, they need as much work as they can get. I’m talking about caterers, lighting people, production designers — people whose livelihoods depend on the film industry doing well. Many of these people are our friends.
Transformers 2 may be a crappy movie, but it put food on a lot of peoples’ tables. This is a great thing. Not only are people able to afford to put their kids through college, but it means that they will survive to still be there to make the truly great movies.
Will Transformers 2 and movies like it take audience mindshare away from other, more deserving movies? NO. I’ve seen a lot of great movies this year: UP, The Reader, The Wrestler, Star Trek. Great creative works have always existed alongside not-so-great pot stirrers, and they have been just as successful or even more successful. Not only have these great films made money, but they have become part of peoples’ lives, are studied, are remembered by history. And in fact, some of the crap is also studied, re-evaluated by history, and redeemed as classics.
Is there room for both good work and horrible work in our culture? Absolutely.
Will I go see Transformers 2? Probably not. It’s not my kind of movie.
Your Big Fat Korean Wedding
Your humble narrator flew out to the Big Apple to attend the wedding of a couple of close and dear friends. I went to college with the bride, and have known the groom for eight or nine years now. Here’s how it all went down:
I got into town a couple of days early and did my own thing* — took a few meetings, etc., etc.. Got to the rehearsal dinner and the groom was so nervous that he drank my lemonade. I wonder if I’ll be that nervous when I get hitched. If so, please remember to pour extra glasses of lemonade for me.
The wedding was at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden which is an incredible space for things of this nature. There is a lovely arboretum in which receptions can be held, and outdoor spaces for the ceremonies.
I was the guy who introduced the couple to each other, so they gave me the honor of giving a short speech at the ceremony. It began with these lines:
I’d like to try an exercise.
I’d like all of you in the audience to turn to the person on your left.
Now say to that person, “I love you.”
Okay, great. Now I’d like all of you to turn to the person on your right…
And give them an open mouthed kiss.
Some people totally did it, too.
The reception was magnificent. It was like a reunion for a lot of old friends. The food was excellent. There was also a traditional Korean segment:
After witnessing these rituals — bowing to your elders, pouring them wine, and catching thrown chestnuts in your apron to determine how many future children you will be having — I have determined that Korean culture was invented by frat dudes.
All in all, one of the most fun weddings I’ve ever been to. In fact, I’ve never been to an un-fun wedding — they’ve all been fun. Of course when I’m at these things I’m usually hepped up on champagne and goofballs, so I don’t see how they cannot be fun.
* Will be visited in a separate post.
Your Undivided Attention
Dear Reader,
I sit here eating Pocky and contemplating simpler times. We all have a lot on our plates. A lot of things going on — emails to read, games of Peggle to play. I’m currently listening to Dreams from My Father in audiobook format. I read it already, but I wanted to hear our Prez say “That guy ain’t shit — sorry ass motherfucker!” in his own marvelous voice.
Anyway, we all got a lot of crap going on. The iPhone (see my earlier post) intensifies this problem. In the 20th century, families would gather around a single large device to be given their daily entertainment and news. Now everyone is carrying their own little info device in their pocket that they can use to check out at any time. We’re all plugged in 24/7.
The New York Times just did a story on addicts who annoy others by constantly checking their Crackberrys. This idea definitely has merit — any time I feel the slightest hint of boredom, I feel my hand reaching subconsciously towards my iPhone. It’s getting a little Freudian and is beginning to creep me out.
So I was watching this Howcast video on how to make yourself irresistible to women. (NOTE: I am already irresistible to them and wanted to make sure the Howcast people got their facts straight. Maybe send them some pointers.)
ANYWAY, one of the points they make is that you should give the ladies your undivided attention. “Everyone loves to be the center of attention,” the Howcast narrator coos.
Of course they do. And these days, undivided attention is the most valuable thing you can give another person.
And it’s a hard thing to give someone! It’s hard to carve out time to meet face to face. It’s hard to put together a couple of hours to read someone’s script. I’ve got my own stuff to work on. Plus I’m trying to get through Adventure Mode in Peggle, and that bit with the Egyptian cat is a real pain in the ass.
But I have a tip that has worked quite well for me. When I’m meeting with someone, I’ll take out my lab notebook and write down everything they say. That way they know they’ve got my undivided attention. It has the added benefit of ensuring that I know what the hell’s going on — which is another essential skill for the 21st century.
BTW, this also works on dates.
Say Hello to My Little Friend
My new iPhone showed up today — just like Apple had promised. So much hubbub had been made by Macheads around the country (“Will my iPhone get here on time?? What if it’s late???”) that Apple actually sent everyone a terse email that said:
To Our Valued Apple Customer:
Thank you for your recent order with Apple. Our carrier’s website may have displayed an incorrect delivery date for your order. However, we expect your iPhone order to be delivered on time on June 19, 2009.
Please stop calling us. Please stop calling our factory in Shenzen, China. Please stop calling AT&T. Please stop calling UPS and FedEx. Please stop trying to track the international flight that your iPhone might be on.
We beg you, for the love of god and all that is merciful, please stop harassing us.
Best regards, The Apple Store Team
I was headed into Ralph’s to buy some groceries when a Chinese girl bounded up to me. “ARE YOU CHINESE?” she said with a strong Chinese accent.
“No,” I said, which must have sounded very much like “Yes I am Chinese” in Mandarin because she shrieked giddy and started speaking very rapidly in words I could not understand.
It took a few moments but I managed to convince her that, no, I am not Chinese and I could not speak Mandarin. But with sign language and some words she knew in English, I figured out that she had just purchased a calling card and needed to call home. The rub: She didn’t know what the international calling code was for China.
Neither did I. But my iPhone did.
When I was a kid I really loved The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I loved the idea of a portable source of ultimate knowledge that a mortal being could refer to in times of crisis. I imagined myself turning back Vogons with Even Worse Poetry that I had sussed out from my magic device.
Now I have one. Soon everyone will have some version of this sort of device: A portable wireless interface to the Internet. It’s the next evolutionary step of the PC. Bar trivia contests are now obsolete.
The funny thing is that, despite the iPhone, I don’t feel smarter, safer, or better equipped for survival. In fact, now that I think about it, the Hitchhiker’s Guide didn’t make Arthur Dent smarter, safer, or better equipped for survival. It was pretty much just a device through which Douglas Adams could transmit his dry British wit.
And the iPhone is more or less the same sort of thing: A conduit for goofy stuff to pass the time. Episode guides for BSG. Tower Defense games. Thai Cuties. That’s all it is.
But man, what a device it is.
Shearing Electric Sheep
My technology News Roundup:
- A lady is simulating homelessness in The Sims 3. The result: Cranky, starving people who still surprise you in amusing and heartbreaking ways.
Seriously, this is a very readable blog about fictional electronic people.
- Twitter was asked by the US State Department to postpone its scheduled maintenance shutdown to aid the Iranian resistance movement. Twitter complied. The revolution will be Twittervised???
I use Twitter on and off and thought it was kind of interesting. I am seriously impressed by this news. I would definitely use Twitter more if I had more important things to transmit — things such as “DOODZ R STEALING MY ELECTION!!1!”
- Video game site Kotaku reports that GameLoft CEO Yves Guillemot thinks that Apple should make a gaming console. The thing is, they already have. It’s called the iPhone/iPod Touch.
I’ve been playing Star Defense on mine. It’s a very clever Tower Defense style game that plays on rotating 3D spheres. You craft assembly lines of destruction using your tower-placing geometric skills. Three thumbs up.
- iPhone 3.0 comes out tomorrow: Your Mike Golamco has been using 3.0 for the last week (installed the GM from the developers’ kit). My favorite additions are the Spotlight searches and the horizontal keyboard. The h. keyboard itself has made it so easy to type that I am now texting as much as a teenage girl. It’s so much easier now to type “JoBros 4 eva!”
Why I Am Attacking People
Hello, I am the bird that hangs out on Sacramento Street (above Schroeder’s Restaurant). The one that’s been flying down and attacking people.
CNN just did a piece on me without giving my side of the story. So here it is:
Person #1: I did not attack this person because he is black. I love black people. I myself am black. But his purple shirt annoyed the living shit out of me, so I flew down and tried to rip it off his body with my mighty claws. The thing is, I am a small bird. I couldn’t really get a hold of it. But now everybody thinks I’m racist. Thanks, CNN.
Person #2: I attacked this lady because it was fun. She started screaming and running like she was being chased by a motherfuckin’ T-Rex. But surprise, I’m just a tiny bird. Boy, she sure felt dumb.
Person #3 was talking very loudly on her cell phone about spending the whole day at the spa. Fuck you lady — now you’re getting attacked by a bird while a crowd of onlookers laughs at you. How relaxed are you now?
Person #4: This guy was looking all serious and shit so I thought I’d land on his head and cheer him up. It worked.
Person #5: There was this thing in this guy’s hair and I was trying to get it out for him. It was a piece of macaroni or something. Plus I didn’t like his jacket.
I was just fucking with Person #6 but then he FLIPPED ME OFF. So I gave him what’s what. Don’t fuck with me, buddy — I’m a bird.
Person #7 had so much gel in his hair that I thought I could break some of it off and use it to build a motherfuckin’ nest. Also he was wearing a badge around his neck. Like, really pal? Really? Who does that?
Person #8 kept running around a tree trying to hide from me. Listen lady: I’m a bird — I live in trees. USE YOUR HEAD.
Person #9: This guy looked like Wilford Brimley. I was like “DIABEETUS! DIABEETUS!” He must get that a lot because he laughed.
Person #10: I didn’t like this guy’s mustache. Also the camera man moved across the street and I wanted to give him the side angle of how I work.
Person #11: We used to go out. She left me for a seagull.
Person #12: This is my dad.
My Work in Print
Year Zero
Available from Samuel French and Amazon.com
Cowboy Versus Samurai
Available from Samuel French and Amazon.comFor a complete list of books containing my work, please click here.
