Your Heart is a Weapon the Size of Your Fist

August 5th, 2009Blog4 comments

“Keep Fighting, Keep Loving.”

Our little friend is here. All my shoes had to be placed above dog-level, along with all my pillows, all my gloves and hats and blankets, all my socks, all my pens, all my heroin, and all my rubber bands.

And of course, if I turn around for fifteen minutes, he’ll still find something to grab and use it to invite me to chase him around.

You Can Have Some of My Ice Cream

August 4th, 2009Blog3 comments

Sometimes the Universe Puts on a Show for You: Have you ever witnessed a really creepy pick up attempt? I just saw a great one — pretty much a case study in what not to do. It was perfectly cast and played out right in front of me.

The curtain swings open: I am sitting at one of the little tables at the UCLA bookstore doing some work. A young college girl is sitting nearby. She’s on her lunch break.

A mopey looking fellow sidles up to her: “What do you think of these glasses?”

He puts on a pair of glasses, takes them off again. Puts them on, takes them off. “Uhhh, they’re okay,” she says.

“Hi, my name is ________,” he says, sits down, shakes her hand. “So, do you work here?”

She’s wearing an ASUCLA polo shirt.

She starts texting someone. “Hey, that’s a cool phone,” he says. “What is that?”

“Uhhh, it’s a Nokia.” Long pause. “Do you get discounts?” he asks. “Yea,” she says. He fidgets. “So, are you a student here?” As soon as that question came out of his mouth, I could hear the awkwardness grinding like gears — the same sound that cherubs make when they gnash their teeth. My friend, I’ve been there before, I think, cut your losses and take off.

“Well, it was nice meeting you,” he said, and loped away. Good man.

She continues to eat. I can’t believe that I was there to witness this. It’s like standing on a street and suddenly seeing a car careen into a tree. You know that it happens out there in the world, but to have it happen right there in front of you is something different.

Big kudos to this young fellow for stepping up to the plate though. It’s a hard thing to do and it takes bollocks. I’m sure that after a while the hits will start coming.

The glasses bit definitely needs to go though.

Clean House: A good friend just turned me on to this show. Whatta show this is — a crew invades the homes of mentally ill pack rats and forces them to sell all of their tchotchkes. It’s full of quick cuts to the cast of the show saying pithy things like “This housewife is desperate… To get her house clean!” and “If he wants to keep his gator heads, he might find himself out on the curb along with them!” Snap!

The previous cast had a Liz Lemon-like lady, two metro dudes, and a blonde chick. The new cast is different — it’s lead by sassy, sassy Niecy Nash. But I do miss the Liz Lemon lady — although her strategy with getting people to give up their loot was to beg and to make deals. Niecy Nash just lets them know that they’re goddamned slobs and tells them to part with their shit.

DAN NGUYEN: Paranormal Tech Support — Episode 1: Motherfuckin’ Elves

August 3rd, 2009Blog, Fiction0 comments

The phone rang. “Dan Nguyen, Paranormal Tech Support.”

The voice on the other end tried to calm itself down. “Hi. Uh, gnomes keep popping out of my screen and running around my room breaking things.” Dan heard cackling in the background, then a vase shattering.

“Have you tried unplugging the computer and plugging it back in?”

“No. Let me -”

“I’ll hold while you do that.”

“…Okay. It’s plugged back in. It’s rebooting, and… And, yes, they’re still popping out of my monitor. One of them just strangled my cat.”

“Are you running Vista?”

“What?”

“Vista Home Premium Edition has a known issue where the startup manager will sometimes open a wormhole to Ssamath, the Land of the Dark Underneath and Hearth Home of the Nether-King of the Elves.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think you heard me — these are gnomes.”

“Are they about three apples high? Dark green skin? Sharp teeth? Do they smell like wilted rosemary?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, you have elves ma’am. Ssamathian elves. Gnomes don’t exist.”

“But I thought elves were like people except with pointy ears.”

“No ma’am. That’s just a stereotype perpetuated by Hollywood.”

“So these are Dark Elves – “

“We use the term ‘Elves of Color’, ma’am. So: What you want to do is re-install Vista – “

“Oh god, really?”

“Yes really. Then crush the skulls of the remaining elves with a cudgel carved from an Irish blue cedar that a dead man was once hung from. Go to the Home Depot, they should be able to help you out. Now, some of the elves will run away; what you want to do is leave a bowl of mead with a few colicky babies’ tears and some arsenic out overnight. That should attract the rest and wipe them out.”

“Thank you, I’ll give that a try.”

“You’re welcome. If you have any further problems, feel free to call. We Deal With What You Don’t Want To ™.”

I’m Standing on Your Table

August 2nd, 2009Blog0 comments

Hey, everyone’s favorite little friend is coming back to stay at You Know Who’s place. I have been dog-proofing the place again to prepare.

Having this little guy over is exactly like this: “HEY LOOK AT ME! I’ve got your shoe! Ha ha ha — chase me, chase me! Ahh, you got your shoe back — that’s okay, I didn’t want it anyway. Oh look, I’ve got a sock! I’m hiding under here with your sock. Bah, that sock was boring. LOOK AT ME, I’m standing on your table! Isn’t that crazy? What’s buried in this couch? I’m going to hide this in here even though you told me not to, I hope you don’t mind. I have to poop now! GOTTA POOP GOTTA POOP GOTTA POOP — wow, the outdoors sure is fun! Just kidding, I didn’t have to poop. WOW A LEAF – “

Why can’t he just loaf around and smoke weed like the dog in the above picture? Sure, the dog above has no job and eats nachos all the time and has no ambition, but at least he hasn’t destroyed anything in a while.