Reading Something You Wrote Six Years Ago Is Like Getting Punched in the Kidneys

August 10th, 2010Blog0 comments

I recently re-read this script I wrote six years ago, and it was exactly like getting punched in the kidneys. You see all these problems and issues and you have plenty of notes for this hack — but you already know that this hack is you. I’m my own worst critic — I think everyone is.

“You beat yourself up a lot,” said a friend of mine recently when I told her this.

The thing is, if I didn’t feel incredible hatred and animosity toward my own problematic writing — if I was satisfied with my work and pat myself on the back and let myself go, then I’d have a serious problem. Because then I wouldn’t know what was good and what needed work. Everything would just be “OK” — but nothing is ever okay. Things can always be better.

So it’s incredibly painful to re-read old work. But it’s gotta be done for it to get better. The pain has even sorta gotten delicious to me in a weird way. Kind of like running can be painful in a cathartic way — it is a cleansing pain. And every now and then I forget who wrote the thing and I think, “Oh man, what a dumbass” — mere moments later realizing that that dumbass is ME.

I saw Inception today. It was only the second film I’ve ever seen by myself — all my friends have already seen it, plus I’ve been having strong desires lately to see a movie by myself.

It was pretty great! I’m not just talking about the movie but also the experience. I got a large popcorn and a hot dog, and the requisite artillery shell of Diet Coke. I got in right during previews and there were a million seats left (it was the 12:30 pm show). It’s a different experience from seeing it with other people. More involving in a way. It also feels like the filmmakers are communicating only to you instead of putting on a show.

Plus if you’ve seen the movie you know that it’s a good movie to see by yourself. When the show was over and I walked back out into the daylight I checked my Totem and it felt the right way, so I let myself relax… For now.